How Listening Helps Process Emotions: The Key to Healing Conversations
Most arguments in marriage aren't about the dishes left in the sink, the forgotten anniversary, or the endless to-do list. They’re about something deeper: unspoken emotions that long to be seen. "It’s Not About the Nail" viral video (see below) hilariously captures this perfectly, showing how quickly frustration escalates when one partner dismisses the other’s feelings in favor of “fixing” the problem. In these moments, the greatest gift you can offer isn’t a solution—it’s your presence. Listening without judgment or interruption allows your partner to feel valued and understood, which is often all they need to begin releasing their frustration.
Like most of us, I’ve learned this the hard way. I’ve had moments in my own relationships where a small disagreement felt heavier than it should have. Looking back, it was never about the surface issue—it was about emotions left unspoken. When feelings aren’t expressed, they don’t just disappear; they linger, creating distance, weight, and misunderstanding.
Over time, I’ve realized something powerful about listening: it’s not about fixing, advising, or even responding perfectly. It’s about showing up and creating space for emotions to unfold.
The Key to Helping Someone Heal: Truly Listening
When someone is upset, the most important thing you can do is listen with curiosity. Ask questions that help them explore their emotions and get to the heart of what’s bothering them. By asking questions (start with five), you help slow down the intensity of their feelings. This allows them to focus on what’s going on and brings them back to the reasoning side of their brain. It also gives them clarity, helping them understand why they’re upset because they probably don’t even know. Their brain flipped from reason to emotion in a split second and they reacted from that space.
Avoid Bias and Understand Their Perspective
Try to listen without bias. Understand their point of view, creating space for them to express themselves freely. Your goal isn’t to react emotionally but to help them figure out what they’re really feeling.
Use Tools to Identify Emotions
Helping someone name the emotion they’re experiencing can make it feel less overwhelming. You can guide them to tools like a Feeling Wheel. Naming the emotion softens its power and creates room for emotional responsibility.
Empathize and Validate Their Feelings
Once the person feels heard and understood, you’ll notice they begin to soften. They’ll be more open to talking about the issue calmly and constructively. This is where empathy comes in. Imagine yourself in their shoes and acknowledge that you’d likely feel the same way in their situation. You might say things like, “That’s understandable” or “I’d feel that way too if…”
Don’t Try to Fix It—Just Listen
Often, nothing needs fixing. The issue usually stems from an emotion, and once that emotion is processed, the situation tends to resolve itself. Rather than offering solutions, sometimes all that’s needed is a few kind, uplifting words, saying something funny, or a simple distraction, like, “Want to help me chop carrots?”
The Power of Listening
Real listening isn’t about solving someone’s problems. It’s about being fully present, offering your attention and heart so they feel seen, valued, and supported. It’s in these moments of connection that true healing happens.
Creating Space for Clarity
Now, navigating situations where both people are triggered at the same time can be incredibly tricky. In these moments, it’s unlikely that one person will be able to offer the kind of listening and presence the other needs because both are caught in their own emotional experience. Words intended to help might instead feel like fuel to the fire, escalating tension instead of resolving it. This is when stepping back becomes essential—pausing to create space for both individuals to regulate their emotions before trying to engage again. It’s not always easy, but it’s a practice that makes a huge difference because we can return to the conversation with more clarity and calmness.
In conclusion
True healing in relationships begins with being present. It’s about creating space to listen deeply, not to fix, but to understand. While it takes practice, especially when emotions run high, it’s the key to transforming difficult moments into opportunities for connection. With patience and presence, we can move from conflict to clarity and deepen our bond.
With love,
